V-Day D-Day

Happy Valentine's Day to All You In- Love People! Enjoy your consumer-embellished goodies! Because obviously cards, candy, flowers, dinner, wine and sex aren't available the rest of the year.

A History Lesson:
Valentine's Day was originally in honor of a martyred Roman priest who either was caught marrying Christians or converting Christians, when said Christians were being persecuted. They put the guy in prison and decided he was kind of cool when he healed the emperor's blind daughter with his hands, until Valentine tried to convert them, too. Then they beat him with clubs and stones. He didn't die. SO, they chopped off his poor little Christian-Catholic-loving head.  SHEESH!
Somehow, this heart-warming tale came to be celebrated as a Romantic Holiday, celebrated mostly in the Western Hemisphere (pretty far form where all this started), in the same land where we celebrate shoving the Indians off their land by stuffing our faces and being thankful that we were rude little Pilgrims.

All I really see is a Holiday where Guys are All Like:











and Girls are All Like:










then I'm All Like:

Okay. Enough of the wisecracking, condescending, cynical BS from moi. I have actually had the undeniable pleasure of photographing all the love for the past few years:

                                 I am happy to report 
                            that all these lovely couples
                                         to the left
                           are all still happily married.
                                
           

                         Obviously, this is because

              I photographed their love and captured it

                                   for eternity.

                      I'm that good. You should hire me and pay me         

                      big bucks to do the same for you!

Phew! Sentimentality is EXHAUSTING! I want to go back to the humor and mockery! But, I will pass. After all, it's Valentine's Day and I have big plans....

                                                                                                        ....to sit on my ass and watch Glee.

Disney Movies...

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Disney....and it totally f***ed me up.

We all watched them, those animated lovey-dovey fairytales Disney made millions on, giving little girls false hope and bad information. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE them, but they did a better job at sheltering me than preparing me for adulthood. For example:




Snow White-  a ditzy broad with transulscent skin who talks to animals and shacks up with seven midgets.

What I learned:

Lying around in the woods talking to furry forrest animals is totally cool.

I even tried this. Those stupid animals didn't talk back, and a few of them bit me.


 Apples kill. 


 I missed out on a lot of nutrition as a child because between that and the story of Adam and Eve, apples were just BAD news...


<---- this right here, completely normal.



I would PISS myself.

  Being the prettiest in the land is the most important thing to a girl. If there is someone prettier than you, she must die.

yeah, it sucks when you go to a bar, try to talk to a guy, but he's staring at the hottie across the room instead. I get pissed too, but did this Evil Queen even notice how stupid Snow was? Had she been patient, Snow would have eventually gotten herself killed..or knocked up my a midget.



Cinderalla- poor, beautiful blonde is forced to cook and clean for her evil step mother until a fairy hooks her up with a rich guy so she doesn't have to work anymore.


"I know we only just met, but based on first impressions (as in the overdressed, priceless and pointless ball that is NOT EVEN a charity event), I think we should get married."


I think too many poeple took this to heart. I could see
Cinderalla 2: a Royal Divorce hitting theaters in Reality.

Glass shoes are comfortable and easy to dance in.

Liars.


Ugly girls raised by pageant moms don't deserve love.



so not true! All they need is UglyStepSiblingSingles.com! and maybe a psychiatrist.


Sleeping Beauty- chick pricks herself with a needle and sleeps for a looong fucking time. Then a hot dude kissed her and she wakes up. The end.


After sleeping for 100 years, you will look like

<--- this.


Ummm...no. Most people sleep for 7 hours and wake up with an alarm clock looking like crack monkeys. The whole getting kissed awake thing is just not happing, either. 


The Little Mermaid- unsatisfied fish-girl wants an impossible thing she can't have, then gets it, and leaves all her cool fishy friends behind.


 <- underwater castles contain sexually suggestive architecture 







This happens in Disney a lot, apparently. 




Getting married at 16 is completely normal.






We all know she was knocked up. After all, she had never before had a vagina! How would she know how that stuff works??






Beauty and the Beast- unsatisfied French girl who still lives with her Dad falls for a giant walking-talking dog with an attitude problem.

Beastiality is acceptable.


Where was this going to go if he didn't turn in to a human? She falls in love with him, then they make crazy animal love that sends her to a ER?? and gay marriage is considered too controversial for Disney?


Pocahontas- the story of the real-life Indian and her encounter with the new British explorers.

<--- this story is completely %100 historically accurate.



hanks a lot, I  tanked my American history exam because I thought John Smith took a bullet for the Indian Chief and dated his daughter, who sings a lot. What?


Tangled- a sheltered teenager with magic hair 30 feet long that never actually gets tangled.

Actually, nothing ruined this movie for me. I saw it when I was like 26, so I had no pre-concieved notions. In fact, I felt better about myself because Flynn's "smolder" had just about as much affect on the opposite sex as my own sexy smolder....

<- gets hit in face with frying pan

                               

         <- guys WANT to hit in face with frying pan.

Thanks for walking away to talk to the hot chick across the bar instead of hitting me with a frying pan..

All in all, these movies left me with more questions than answers, like-

Why are all their mothers dead or inexplicably absent?

Why don't any of the princesses and female characters save themselves and get jobs?

Why do all the princes pretty much look the same except with different, bad hairstyles?

How do mermaids do it???

Feel free to leave your own unanswered questions form Disney movies...

AwkWord Advice: Dating Don'ts, for boys. Because they try...

At the age of 27 (I'm 22 on the inside though) I have dated a LOT.  A good friend once told me "you date more than anyone I know..."  Yeah, I try on a lot of pairs of shoes and don't buy them.  I'm picky, indecisive, and I have met some total freaks. More on that later...

For now, I want to lay out some advice for men in the dating world, especially online dating. So many men on these sites are deserving of love, they're just too damn awkward to get there. So I have rounded up a list of things NOT to do, because sometimes when it comes to dating, the don'ts count more than the do's, at least at first..
PS: all things listed here have been done to me by some poor creature just trying to make it in the Match.com world...I pray for their little awkward souls...


DON'TS:


DO NOT: Text a girl an hour after the first date, saying how great she was.  Then five minutes later, text her again, and again and again. This creates an air of desperation and of being rather psychotic...wait a day or two. It's good to keep some mystery alive until you meet again. Being over-excited makes it look like you haven't gotten action in years and you sit at home with your cats watching The Bachelor. 

DO NOT: compliment a girl over and over on different parts of her physique. One compliment per date goes a LONG way, fellas. If you keep pointing out her beauty, pretty soon you will find yourself complimenting a chair because more than likely the poor girl will get tired of you harassing her with your eyes and make an excuse to leave. Which brings me to my next DON'T...


DO NOT: compliment a random body part because you don't find this particular girl all that attractive so out of desperation you want to try and make her feel good about herself and you compliment her hands. her hands. It's okay, we won't go jump off a cliff in the manner of Bella Swan because you don't really like us, we will get over it. (The ones who don't need therapy, anyway.)


DO NOT: assume that we do not Facebook stalk you before or after a date. We are curious creatures and with an avenue like the internet we are better investigators than Sherlock Holmes. Most Facebook profiles are private but if yours contains visible images of any of the following things, it is an immediate turn- off:


1. pictures of just you, by yourself, alone, ALL OF THEM -this makes it look like you don't have any friends...
2. pictures of Jesus. pictures of Jesus arm wrestling Satan. pictures of Jesus doing anything. We get it, your dating profile probably states that you are religious, which is fine for most girls, but unless you're on Christian Singles. com, we don't need to know that Jesus is one of your Facebook buddies...

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3. pictures that you took of yourself in the bathroom mirror with your cellphone and showing off your abs. sorry, automatic douche. 
4. multiple pictures of you with other attractive women. This is not a "turn on"- it screams player who has a complex about himself and has to be surrounded by attractive females in order to feel cool. it's not. we're a little jealous, if we like you, and want to rip their hair out. we're GIRLS and we're freakin' bitches.


Manage your Facebook, fellas...


DO NOT: tell a girl you "don't get out much", or give the impression that you don't have a lot of friends. Sure, girls love attention, but despite the rumors, we don't want a clinger on our hands. You know, the type that sits at home thinking about his girlfriend while she's out with her gal pals, texting her every ten minutes and waiting for her at the door like a puppy. This is so unattractive. We WANT you to be a guy and hang out with your buddies every once in a while. Drink, Go Crazy. (Don't even think about cheating because we will find out, and we will kill you).


DO NOT talk about your divorce on the first date, or anything awkward or heavy. The first date is supposed to be light-hearted and easy going.


DO NOT keep telling a girl she makes you nervous OVER and OVER again. Not on any universe is this attractive...


DO NOT keep contacting a girl if she has stopped talking to you after one or two dates. I'm sorry, she's just not interested any more. Saying "hey, where are you? I haven't heard form you in a while, are you not interested anymore??" Read the book "He's Just Not That in to You, and reverse the gender roles there. It works both ways.


DO NOT kiss an inanimate object then give it to her and tell her you kissed it. This is a long embarrassing story and I just don't have the mental capacity to accept that has happened. JUST DON'T DO IT!


Feel free to pass this on to any single male in your life. You will be his hero.

Me, Myself and I

ME IN GENERAL:

One thing to you need to know about me: NERD. Yes, I fit just about every definition of it. A few examples:

and your, you're; to, too, its, it's;..DO NOT PLAY WITH MY HEAD!

Obviously, the world would end.

Also, I'm a Gemini. I don't really follow astrology, but sometimes I just fit the bill.

Like if you use "there" in place of "their", I probably won't trust you like, ever.

ME AT WORK:

ergophobia:
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	a fear of work

Or in my case, my work environment, and how I completely lack any brain or muscle coordination while I'm there. It's crazy. I wake up every morning thinking Please don't let me say something stupid, or do something stupid.

I arrive with my morning coffee, part of it which is inevitably on my shirt, and I have to avoid stumbling in to walls. You read that correctly: I stumble.Into.Walls....daily. 

I mean it, this is a serious problem. Add that to the fact that I don't fit in AT ALL. Meaning, I can't relate to pack of 50+ women wearing moomoos and talking about fried things, creepy dolls and Dr. Phil all day. By the end of the week I feel like Wednesday Addams at a Muppet Convention.

MY TYPICAL DAY:

7:45 a.m.  HOLY SHIT that is a lot of emails.

11:15 a.m.  Why do I smell like old gym shorts? (already?)

1:30 p.m. that bitch talking about me? (most likely..)

2:55 p.m.  OMG is that HUMMUS in my hair? 

Sad, isn't it? All the while my coworkers think I'm a lunatic vegetarian who isn't married?!

Listen, ladies, I like to take my time with important matters of the heart, and if you were reading this blog, you would soon find out why my extraordinary dating life has kept me fearing the wedding band of eternity like the Blue Waffle plague. (it's a real thing. DO NOT look it up!)

A quick word of advice:

When your company owner and CEO is planning to visit on a particular day, do not forget he is visiting and stuff your face with mixed nuts the moment he walks up to you to introduce himself. The peanut smile is NOT a good look for ANYONE.

4:30 p.m. EVERY DAY

ME WITH MY FAMILY:


My parents swear I'm not adopted. Then sometimes I catch them staring at me, as if they are wondering the possibility that they might have taken the wrong baby home from the hospital... 




It's a possibility...

ME WITH MY FRIENDS:

... enough said. poor girls :(