Disney Movies...

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Disney....and it totally f***ed me up.

We all watched them, those animated lovey-dovey fairytales Disney made millions on, giving little girls false hope and bad information. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE them, but they did a better job at sheltering me than preparing me for adulthood. For example:




Snow White-  a ditzy broad with transulscent skin who talks to animals and shacks up with seven midgets.

What I learned:

Lying around in the woods talking to furry forrest animals is totally cool.

I even tried this. Those stupid animals didn't talk back, and a few of them bit me.


 Apples kill. 


 I missed out on a lot of nutrition as a child because between that and the story of Adam and Eve, apples were just BAD news...


<---- this right here, completely normal.



I would PISS myself.

  Being the prettiest in the land is the most important thing to a girl. If there is someone prettier than you, she must die.

yeah, it sucks when you go to a bar, try to talk to a guy, but he's staring at the hottie across the room instead. I get pissed too, but did this Evil Queen even notice how stupid Snow was? Had she been patient, Snow would have eventually gotten herself killed..or knocked up my a midget.



Cinderalla- poor, beautiful blonde is forced to cook and clean for her evil step mother until a fairy hooks her up with a rich guy so she doesn't have to work anymore.


"I know we only just met, but based on first impressions (as in the overdressed, priceless and pointless ball that is NOT EVEN a charity event), I think we should get married."


I think too many poeple took this to heart. I could see
Cinderalla 2: a Royal Divorce hitting theaters in Reality.

Glass shoes are comfortable and easy to dance in.

Liars.


Ugly girls raised by pageant moms don't deserve love.



so not true! All they need is UglyStepSiblingSingles.com! and maybe a psychiatrist.


Sleeping Beauty- chick pricks herself with a needle and sleeps for a looong fucking time. Then a hot dude kissed her and she wakes up. The end.


After sleeping for 100 years, you will look like

<--- this.


Ummm...no. Most people sleep for 7 hours and wake up with an alarm clock looking like crack monkeys. The whole getting kissed awake thing is just not happing, either. 


The Little Mermaid- unsatisfied fish-girl wants an impossible thing she can't have, then gets it, and leaves all her cool fishy friends behind.


 <- underwater castles contain sexually suggestive architecture 







This happens in Disney a lot, apparently. 




Getting married at 16 is completely normal.






We all know she was knocked up. After all, she had never before had a vagina! How would she know how that stuff works??






Beauty and the Beast- unsatisfied French girl who still lives with her Dad falls for a giant walking-talking dog with an attitude problem.

Beastiality is acceptable.


Where was this going to go if he didn't turn in to a human? She falls in love with him, then they make crazy animal love that sends her to a ER?? and gay marriage is considered too controversial for Disney?


Pocahontas- the story of the real-life Indian and her encounter with the new British explorers.

<--- this story is completely %100 historically accurate.



hanks a lot, I  tanked my American history exam because I thought John Smith took a bullet for the Indian Chief and dated his daughter, who sings a lot. What?


Tangled- a sheltered teenager with magic hair 30 feet long that never actually gets tangled.

Actually, nothing ruined this movie for me. I saw it when I was like 26, so I had no pre-concieved notions. In fact, I felt better about myself because Flynn's "smolder" had just about as much affect on the opposite sex as my own sexy smolder....

<- gets hit in face with frying pan

                               

         <- guys WANT to hit in face with frying pan.

Thanks for walking away to talk to the hot chick across the bar instead of hitting me with a frying pan..

All in all, these movies left me with more questions than answers, like-

Why are all their mothers dead or inexplicably absent?

Why don't any of the princesses and female characters save themselves and get jobs?

Why do all the princes pretty much look the same except with different, bad hairstyles?

How do mermaids do it???

Feel free to leave your own unanswered questions form Disney movies...