Kids- the good, the bad, and the gross (coming from someone without kids, obviously)

I have been back and forth over the past ten years of my life on the subject of having children. The Pros and Cons list in my my has been greatly one-sided. I the end, I just know my husband is either going to talk me in to it, or poke holes in the condom. Either way, I know I won't be in for any surprises:


PROS:


1.  They are cute 
This can be argued.  Sometimes, cuteness is only in the of the beholder;  namely, by their parents.

2.   They are special, precious beings meant to be valued and adored and we need to be thankful for them
I get it, children are a continuation of our species.  Anyone who has seen Children of Men get the drift, but we are currently at a birthrate of 490,000 babies a day worldwide ( yes, I got this from WikiAnswers. Close enough. ) so I don't think we're in any danger of population decline in the next 100 years or so, unless some aliens attack us or North Korea decides to destroy us all with a nuke, in which case I don't want to worry about how to fit myself and my children into a bomb shelter that ultimately won't work...


Cool King Chris can sum up what I mean much better than I can:

3. They are fun
You mean- ENTERTAINING. They're only fun in circumstances when they say naughty things, fall on their asses, or freak out over a scary mask strategically placed in a shopping cart.  Sorry, it's just FUNNY. Who can seriously say they enjoy playing kid games? Really? Wouldn't you rather sip a cocktail and bitch about your stupid coworkers instead of sitting down to Hello Kitty toys with the grating Cartoon Network on the the background?

I mean, they think money grows on trees, they go to strangers for candy and they can't spell worth a damn!  I just walked my dog and saw a kid crawling out of a dumpster, no joke.








 CONS:


1. they are expensive- from birth to college and beyond, we spend about $221,190 over a child's lifetime. I'm sorry, but I have too much to do with my life to be spending it on yet another human being. Also, I will never have THAT MUCH MONEY!


2. they are dirty- see dumpster post


3. they need to be watched AT ALL TIMES. Yeah, Jaycee Dugard and all those other poor kidnapped children. I know the media inflates these situations, but it happens. 


4. you need to wipe their butts- enough. said. 


5. they cry about everything- I once had to coach a child through a complete meltdown because she dropped a Cheerio on the ground. I'm sorry, did you need to watch the National Geographic special on children of the Amazon again? They eat spiders. get over it. 


6. they suck the fun out of a relationships- you know it does. sex goes away, and mommy has unattractive stretch marks. 


7. they want want want! Everything! Things they don't even play with, or break, or hit over their baby brother's head...


8.  They are subjective to things in the world, like TV, guns, and Justin Beiber, and Teen Mom, and their little brains are destroyed forever! You literally have to streamline everything that goes into their minds, so you either end up with a sheltered little ninny who eats glue and collects cats, or a psychopathic bloodthirsty lawyer who collects guns and prostitutes. 

9. You can't take them to church, or restaurants, or the store or anywhere with other people because they knock things over and scream or get kidnapped.




10. they are too honest, like when one walks up to you at a pool party, then looks at his mom, and asks who the fat chick is. 
I HAVE BOOBS,YOU ASS HOLE!




11. They become teenagers.

<---Teenagers then: headbands, Saved by the Bell, Scott Baio

 <--Teenagers now: slutssuits, Teen Mom, The Kardashians......Miley. 

11. They won't shut the F#*$ up! I'm not trying to be mean, but come on! I need silence to think! Don't they every just fall asleep??? I would kill to be a kid again and take naps during. the. day. I'm still growing I mean getting fat so I need my beauty sleep...

12. the process of bringing them into the world is just horrifying.  The mother experiences pain beyond imagination while the father watching this disgusting blood-show and can never look at his wife the same way again. Then they get a giant bill from the hospital.
I could go on, but I feel woozy and am reminded of the time my roommate and I watched a birthing video and I threw up...














I have once again convinced myself as to why I am terrified of children. Someone give my more PROS!!!

The Hunger Games Film Review

Finally, a fictional novel where a female character is tough, resourceful, has normal human faults, isn't described as sexy and gorgeous in every chapter and is defined by her love for her family and her honor, not her blind love for some sparkling dead guy.  That, coupled with the intensity of the story folding out of our own moral issues with what we are willing to watch on TV and what we accept about society, and you have one of my favorite series. So naturally I flocked to the theaters to see the film and came to the following conclusion:

It wasn't bad, could have been better. This is how most movies based on novels are seen, but this was no ordinary novel for me, so I am  bothering to offer my subjective ramblings on it.

(SPOILERS!!)

The Plot: with a little over two hours of film and a lot of material to cover, I was blown away by how all the major plot points were covered, and then some (speaking mainly of scenes not from the perspective of the heroine, but certainly hinted-at in the novel). While this was a treat to watch, I think the film barley touched on the underlying theme. It wasn't until the extra shot of District 11's uprising did I breathe a sigh of relief that this might actually be hinting at the spark of a district rebellion the way the novel did. 


Having to stuff so many pinnacle scenes within the film sort of took away from the weight of a few of them. Namely, the building of Katniss' relationships with both Rue and Peeta, as well as Rue's death. Ross just simply didn't have the time to give Rue a bit more of a backstory and a connection to Katniss. He also didn't make the time to let the audience understand Katniss reasons behind the cave scenes with Peeta. Sure, the whole "you call that a kiss?" thing was placed in there, showing her that a reward system is based on her starcrosed- lover interaction with Peeta,  but there was so much going on in her head and so much delicious juicy puppylove comments Peeta was spouting during those few chapters of the book that Ross didn't find the time to get in there, so it left me wanting a little more. (The reason that is partly because the setup took up half the movie. In my extremely subjective opinion, it could have been cut by a few minutes to give the actually Hunger Games themselves more emotional juice, but Ross obviously found the first half involving  the reaping and the event at the Capitol just as important, and I can't really fault him for that ) I guess I'm the type of person who thrives on the emotional connections just as much as the action. The first half of the movie was excellent, especially the the reaping and the interviews. Well done.

  




The Setting: could the setting be any better? I honestly have no complaints about the fact the film was shot in Shelby, Asheville and Charlotte, NC. This might be completely bias, but District 12 IS located in Appalachia in the novel, so why not? Thanks to whoever created the N.C. tax incentive, because our state has lost a lot of great filming opportunities int eh past because of cost. This movie will do for NC what fucking Twilight did for Forks. Yay for us, we got the better movie :)

  


Visuals- I found the shaky camera movements were uneccessary in the first part of the film. I thought that was better preserved for the games, to give them more of a reality show feel. Besides that, I really did enjoy the glossy outfits of the Capitol and the portrayal of their lavish lifestyles. Every scene with Ceasar Flickman reminded me of Ryan Seacrest if he became a crack addict or something. I worked well in my opinion. 




The Acting: Jennifer Lawrence, Stanley Tucci, Woody Harrelson, Lenny Kravitz (surprisingly). Josh Hutcherson, Elizabeth Banks and Wes Bentley could not have been better choices to play their respective roles. Each embodies their character and without them, this film would have been a flop. Speaking of flop, the other notable tributes were completely laughable to me. With MAYBE the exception of Alexander Ludwig as Cato and Amandla Stenberg as Rue, the others' performances looked ridiculous and forced to me and not the least bit unnerving. I don't know, maybe the casting director got tired negotiating the more prominent roles and just picked some kids at random, but they sort of make the games laughable from my standpoint. Thank goodness for Lawrence, and thank goodness they didn't go with Emma Roberts or any other actress. That would have been a bad move. 

I need to be a shallow silly girl for a second: Liam Hemsworth was fine, I can't complain, the boy is just a gorgeous piece of manhunk and I will enjoy watching him the in subsequent films and pretty much anything else he is in. I just have to forget who he dates in real life lest I am prone to vomiting.  




Setup for the Next Two Films:  What I am anxious about is both the message and the violence that are present the second two novels, ESPECIALLY Mockingjay, and how those themes will translate in the film sequels. So much of these books are Katniss' thoughts, and her actions are mostly resulting from those thoughts, thoughts that are also revealing and poignant. Can Ross pull off a PG-13 with those storylines and events without ruining their significance? He came close to missing the mark with the first film.  I almost don't want him to make the next films as easy to watch as he did the first one. Collins really amped up everything disturbing and heartbreaking and violent in the rest of the series and I for one wouldn't want that challenge on my hands. Guess that's why I'm not a director..




OVERALL: I give it a 6.9 / 10.  This is obviously just my opinion, so I'm curious as to everyone else's thoughts :)

Going to the Chapel and I'm Gonna Get...humiliated.

It's almost that time of year - Bridesmaid season!
Bring on the annual foot- killing heels, dresses that make me look like a puffy cupcake, hairspray, an empty wallet and a LOT of alcohol to go with it. I haven't always been hesitant about weddings. I was excited about them until about two hours in to my first wedding in 1993:

After arriving at the venue thirsty as shit I grabbed a glass of water and sucked it down, dicovering too late that this is not water but champaign. I was 8 and tipsy and I don't remember much else from that wedding until the bride threw her fucking flowers, which landed on my face then slid to to floor. I just stared at it as the DJ announced over his microphone that the silly little girl was "afraid of the bouquet". Damn right I was afraid of it! I still am!!

I avoided weddings for the next two decades or so, staying off the dance floor when I did go to one, because let's face it- awkward white girls are like, the worst dancers.

Then I attended a friend's wedding a few years ago.  I made myself go on to the dance floor after I had a few drinks and I flopped around out there like what I'm guessing looked like a retarded seal until this dude's massive boot heeled me on my ankle. I thought he broke it. Nobody noticed. I hobbled off the floor to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes, then spent the rest of the night attending to a highly intoxicated bridesmaid. I had to wear flip flops and limp around and for a week.



Later that same year, I braced myself for another overpriced shindig celebration of marital bliss. This time my ex was going to be there, so I decided to bring a sexy date. Duh! yeah...he didn't show. He was with another girl.

  

When one of my best friends was about to tie the              

knot in 2011, we planned a really fun bachelorette  

party. There were ten girls and I was the single one, which somehow turned in to me sitting at the bar alone, being hit on my this moron in giant fake glasses who later fell on TOP of me in a drunken stupor while the rest of the ladies danced with the attractive, normal guys.

Fast forward to her wedding. I don't need to describe the illustration to the left....

April 2011. I only knew the bride, and nobody would talk to me. By now I'm starting to think I'm a leper or something. I felt more out of place than Kate Middleton

at a Jersey Shore convention.

                                                                                                                           

August. My first time shooting an actual wedding. I worked my ass off for 15 hours, and when I finally sat down, my worst enemy arrived. Tell me how, in a nice venue, when there are over 150 people, did the evil arachnid find ME, and land on my shoulder, and give me a coronary in front of said people?

I was lucky enough to have Cory, who dropped his cell phone on it. 

Fast -forward to the next bachelorette party, where I am, once again, the only single one. Don't you love it then one fo the girls say "Hey, since you're the ONLY single girl at this table, and our waiter is hot (oh how hot he was), can you entertain us all and get his number?   REALLY?? The poor guy was so not interested, and he walked in on us talking about eating placentas (don't ask) and I eventually had to tell her to stop humiliating me. UGHGGHGHGHGH!!!

So we throw her a shower the next day,

and I slipped off the the bathroom and

when I returned, the hostess was kind 

enough to announce that my shirt was 

tucked in to my underwear, exposing 

my ass cheek. To All. Gee, it's a good thing 

my ass looks like Jello covered in pudding 

topped with cheese....

fa lalala la, lalala:

I have another wedding to attend this weekend, as a bridesmaid. I hope it goes well, because at the rate I'm going I am heading toward a future of Psychobride, and people will fear me!!!!!

to be continued.....

V-Day D-Day

Happy Valentine's Day to All You In- Love People! Enjoy your consumer-embellished goodies! Because obviously cards, candy, flowers, dinner, wine and sex aren't available the rest of the year.

A History Lesson:
Valentine's Day was originally in honor of a martyred Roman priest who either was caught marrying Christians or converting Christians, when said Christians were being persecuted. They put the guy in prison and decided he was kind of cool when he healed the emperor's blind daughter with his hands, until Valentine tried to convert them, too. Then they beat him with clubs and stones. He didn't die. SO, they chopped off his poor little Christian-Catholic-loving head.  SHEESH!
Somehow, this heart-warming tale came to be celebrated as a Romantic Holiday, celebrated mostly in the Western Hemisphere (pretty far form where all this started), in the same land where we celebrate shoving the Indians off their land by stuffing our faces and being thankful that we were rude little Pilgrims.

All I really see is a Holiday where Guys are All Like:











and Girls are All Like:










then I'm All Like:

Okay. Enough of the wisecracking, condescending, cynical BS from moi. I have actually had the undeniable pleasure of photographing all the love for the past few years:

                                 I am happy to report 
                            that all these lovely couples
                                         to the left
                           are all still happily married.
                                
           

                         Obviously, this is because

              I photographed their love and captured it

                                   for eternity.

                      I'm that good. You should hire me and pay me         

                      big bucks to do the same for you!

Phew! Sentimentality is EXHAUSTING! I want to go back to the humor and mockery! But, I will pass. After all, it's Valentine's Day and I have big plans....

                                                                                                        ....to sit on my ass and watch Glee.

Disney Movies...

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Disney....and it totally f***ed me up.

We all watched them, those animated lovey-dovey fairytales Disney made millions on, giving little girls false hope and bad information. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE them, but they did a better job at sheltering me than preparing me for adulthood. For example:




Snow White-  a ditzy broad with transulscent skin who talks to animals and shacks up with seven midgets.

What I learned:

Lying around in the woods talking to furry forrest animals is totally cool.

I even tried this. Those stupid animals didn't talk back, and a few of them bit me.


 Apples kill. 


 I missed out on a lot of nutrition as a child because between that and the story of Adam and Eve, apples were just BAD news...


<---- this right here, completely normal.



I would PISS myself.

  Being the prettiest in the land is the most important thing to a girl. If there is someone prettier than you, she must die.

yeah, it sucks when you go to a bar, try to talk to a guy, but he's staring at the hottie across the room instead. I get pissed too, but did this Evil Queen even notice how stupid Snow was? Had she been patient, Snow would have eventually gotten herself killed..or knocked up my a midget.



Cinderalla- poor, beautiful blonde is forced to cook and clean for her evil step mother until a fairy hooks her up with a rich guy so she doesn't have to work anymore.


"I know we only just met, but based on first impressions (as in the overdressed, priceless and pointless ball that is NOT EVEN a charity event), I think we should get married."


I think too many poeple took this to heart. I could see
Cinderalla 2: a Royal Divorce hitting theaters in Reality.

Glass shoes are comfortable and easy to dance in.

Liars.


Ugly girls raised by pageant moms don't deserve love.



so not true! All they need is UglyStepSiblingSingles.com! and maybe a psychiatrist.


Sleeping Beauty- chick pricks herself with a needle and sleeps for a looong fucking time. Then a hot dude kissed her and she wakes up. The end.


After sleeping for 100 years, you will look like

<--- this.


Ummm...no. Most people sleep for 7 hours and wake up with an alarm clock looking like crack monkeys. The whole getting kissed awake thing is just not happing, either. 


The Little Mermaid- unsatisfied fish-girl wants an impossible thing she can't have, then gets it, and leaves all her cool fishy friends behind.


 <- underwater castles contain sexually suggestive architecture 







This happens in Disney a lot, apparently. 




Getting married at 16 is completely normal.






We all know she was knocked up. After all, she had never before had a vagina! How would she know how that stuff works??






Beauty and the Beast- unsatisfied French girl who still lives with her Dad falls for a giant walking-talking dog with an attitude problem.

Beastiality is acceptable.


Where was this going to go if he didn't turn in to a human? She falls in love with him, then they make crazy animal love that sends her to a ER?? and gay marriage is considered too controversial for Disney?


Pocahontas- the story of the real-life Indian and her encounter with the new British explorers.

<--- this story is completely %100 historically accurate.



hanks a lot, I  tanked my American history exam because I thought John Smith took a bullet for the Indian Chief and dated his daughter, who sings a lot. What?


Tangled- a sheltered teenager with magic hair 30 feet long that never actually gets tangled.

Actually, nothing ruined this movie for me. I saw it when I was like 26, so I had no pre-concieved notions. In fact, I felt better about myself because Flynn's "smolder" had just about as much affect on the opposite sex as my own sexy smolder....

<- gets hit in face with frying pan

                               

         <- guys WANT to hit in face with frying pan.

Thanks for walking away to talk to the hot chick across the bar instead of hitting me with a frying pan..

All in all, these movies left me with more questions than answers, like-

Why are all their mothers dead or inexplicably absent?

Why don't any of the princesses and female characters save themselves and get jobs?

Why do all the princes pretty much look the same except with different, bad hairstyles?

How do mermaids do it???

Feel free to leave your own unanswered questions form Disney movies...

AwkWord Advice: Dating Don'ts, for boys. Because they try...

At the age of 27 (I'm 22 on the inside though) I have dated a LOT.  A good friend once told me "you date more than anyone I know..."  Yeah, I try on a lot of pairs of shoes and don't buy them.  I'm picky, indecisive, and I have met some total freaks. More on that later...

For now, I want to lay out some advice for men in the dating world, especially online dating. So many men on these sites are deserving of love, they're just too damn awkward to get there. So I have rounded up a list of things NOT to do, because sometimes when it comes to dating, the don'ts count more than the do's, at least at first..
PS: all things listed here have been done to me by some poor creature just trying to make it in the Match.com world...I pray for their little awkward souls...


DON'TS:


DO NOT: Text a girl an hour after the first date, saying how great she was.  Then five minutes later, text her again, and again and again. This creates an air of desperation and of being rather psychotic...wait a day or two. It's good to keep some mystery alive until you meet again. Being over-excited makes it look like you haven't gotten action in years and you sit at home with your cats watching The Bachelor. 

DO NOT: compliment a girl over and over on different parts of her physique. One compliment per date goes a LONG way, fellas. If you keep pointing out her beauty, pretty soon you will find yourself complimenting a chair because more than likely the poor girl will get tired of you harassing her with your eyes and make an excuse to leave. Which brings me to my next DON'T...


DO NOT: compliment a random body part because you don't find this particular girl all that attractive so out of desperation you want to try and make her feel good about herself and you compliment her hands. her hands. It's okay, we won't go jump off a cliff in the manner of Bella Swan because you don't really like us, we will get over it. (The ones who don't need therapy, anyway.)


DO NOT: assume that we do not Facebook stalk you before or after a date. We are curious creatures and with an avenue like the internet we are better investigators than Sherlock Holmes. Most Facebook profiles are private but if yours contains visible images of any of the following things, it is an immediate turn- off:


1. pictures of just you, by yourself, alone, ALL OF THEM -this makes it look like you don't have any friends...
2. pictures of Jesus. pictures of Jesus arm wrestling Satan. pictures of Jesus doing anything. We get it, your dating profile probably states that you are religious, which is fine for most girls, but unless you're on Christian Singles. com, we don't need to know that Jesus is one of your Facebook buddies...

Add caption

3. pictures that you took of yourself in the bathroom mirror with your cellphone and showing off your abs. sorry, automatic douche. 
4. multiple pictures of you with other attractive women. This is not a "turn on"- it screams player who has a complex about himself and has to be surrounded by attractive females in order to feel cool. it's not. we're a little jealous, if we like you, and want to rip their hair out. we're GIRLS and we're freakin' bitches.


Manage your Facebook, fellas...


DO NOT: tell a girl you "don't get out much", or give the impression that you don't have a lot of friends. Sure, girls love attention, but despite the rumors, we don't want a clinger on our hands. You know, the type that sits at home thinking about his girlfriend while she's out with her gal pals, texting her every ten minutes and waiting for her at the door like a puppy. This is so unattractive. We WANT you to be a guy and hang out with your buddies every once in a while. Drink, Go Crazy. (Don't even think about cheating because we will find out, and we will kill you).


DO NOT talk about your divorce on the first date, or anything awkward or heavy. The first date is supposed to be light-hearted and easy going.


DO NOT keep telling a girl she makes you nervous OVER and OVER again. Not on any universe is this attractive...


DO NOT keep contacting a girl if she has stopped talking to you after one or two dates. I'm sorry, she's just not interested any more. Saying "hey, where are you? I haven't heard form you in a while, are you not interested anymore??" Read the book "He's Just Not That in to You, and reverse the gender roles there. It works both ways.


DO NOT kiss an inanimate object then give it to her and tell her you kissed it. This is a long embarrassing story and I just don't have the mental capacity to accept that has happened. JUST DON'T DO IT!


Feel free to pass this on to any single male in your life. You will be his hero.

Me, Myself and I

ME IN GENERAL:

One thing to you need to know about me: NERD. Yes, I fit just about every definition of it. A few examples:

and your, you're; to, too, its, it's;..DO NOT PLAY WITH MY HEAD!

Obviously, the world would end.

Also, I'm a Gemini. I don't really follow astrology, but sometimes I just fit the bill.

Like if you use "there" in place of "their", I probably won't trust you like, ever.

ME AT WORK:

ergophobia:
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	a fear of work

Or in my case, my work environment, and how I completely lack any brain or muscle coordination while I'm there. It's crazy. I wake up every morning thinking Please don't let me say something stupid, or do something stupid.

I arrive with my morning coffee, part of it which is inevitably on my shirt, and I have to avoid stumbling in to walls. You read that correctly: I stumble.Into.Walls....daily. 

I mean it, this is a serious problem. Add that to the fact that I don't fit in AT ALL. Meaning, I can't relate to pack of 50+ women wearing moomoos and talking about fried things, creepy dolls and Dr. Phil all day. By the end of the week I feel like Wednesday Addams at a Muppet Convention.

MY TYPICAL DAY:

7:45 a.m.  HOLY SHIT that is a lot of emails.

11:15 a.m.  Why do I smell like old gym shorts? (already?)

1:30 p.m. that bitch talking about me? (most likely..)

2:55 p.m.  OMG is that HUMMUS in my hair? 

Sad, isn't it? All the while my coworkers think I'm a lunatic vegetarian who isn't married?!

Listen, ladies, I like to take my time with important matters of the heart, and if you were reading this blog, you would soon find out why my extraordinary dating life has kept me fearing the wedding band of eternity like the Blue Waffle plague. (it's a real thing. DO NOT look it up!)

A quick word of advice:

When your company owner and CEO is planning to visit on a particular day, do not forget he is visiting and stuff your face with mixed nuts the moment he walks up to you to introduce himself. The peanut smile is NOT a good look for ANYONE.

4:30 p.m. EVERY DAY

ME WITH MY FAMILY:


My parents swear I'm not adopted. Then sometimes I catch them staring at me, as if they are wondering the possibility that they might have taken the wrong baby home from the hospital... 




It's a possibility...

ME WITH MY FRIENDS:

... enough said. poor girls :(