PROS:
1. They are cute
This can be argued. Sometimes, cuteness is only in the of the beholder; namely, by their parents.
2. They are special, precious beings meant to be valued and adored and we need to be thankful for them
I get it, children are a continuation of our species. Anyone who has seen Children of Men get the drift, but we are currently at a birthrate of 490,000 babies a day worldwide ( yes, I got this from WikiAnswers. Close enough. ) so I don't think we're in any danger of population decline in the next 100 years or so, unless some aliens attack us or North Korea decides to destroy us all with a nuke, in which case I don't want to worry about how to fit myself and my children into a bomb shelter that ultimately won't work...
Cool King Chris can sum up what I mean much better than I can:
3. They are fun
You mean- ENTERTAINING. They're only fun in circumstances when they say naughty things, fall on their asses, or freak out over a scary mask strategically placed in a shopping cart. Sorry, it's just FUNNY. Who can seriously say they enjoy playing kid games? Really? Wouldn't you rather sip a cocktail and bitch about your stupid coworkers instead of sitting down to Hello Kitty toys with the grating Cartoon Network on the the background?
I mean, they think money grows on trees, they go to strangers for candy and they can't spell worth a damn! I just walked my dog and saw a kid crawling out of a dumpster, no joke.
CONS:
1. they are expensive- from birth to college and beyond, we spend about $221,190 over a child's lifetime. I'm sorry, but I have too much to do with my life to be spending it on yet another human being. Also, I will never have THAT MUCH MONEY!
2. they are dirty- see dumpster post
3. they need to be watched AT ALL TIMES. Yeah, Jaycee Dugard and all those other poor kidnapped children. I know the media inflates these situations, but it happens.
4. you need to wipe their butts- enough. said.
5. they cry about everything- I once had to coach a child through a complete meltdown because she dropped a Cheerio on the ground. I'm sorry, did you need to watch the National Geographic special on children of the Amazon again? They eat spiders. get over it.
6. they suck the fun out of a relationships- you know it does. sex goes away, and mommy has unattractive stretch marks.
7. they want want want! Everything! Things they don't even play with, or break, or hit over their baby brother's head...
8. They are subjective to things in the world, like TV, guns, and Justin Beiber, and Teen Mom, and their little brains are destroyed forever! You literally have to streamline everything that goes into their minds, so you either end up with a sheltered little ninny who eats glue and collects cats, or a psychopathic bloodthirsty lawyer who collects guns and prostitutes.
9. You can't take them to church, or restaurants, or the store or anywhere with other people because they knock things over and scream or get kidnapped.
10. they are too honest, like when one walks up to you at a pool party, then looks at his mom, and asks who the fat chick is.
I HAVE BOOBS,YOU ASS HOLE!
11. They become teenagers.
<---Teenagers then: headbands, Saved by the Bell, Scott Baio
<--Teenagers now: slutssuits, Teen Mom, The Kardashians......Miley. 11. They won't shut the F#*$ up! I'm not trying to be mean, but come on! I need silence to think! Don't they every just fall asleep??? I would kill to be a kid again and take naps during. the. day. I'm still growing I mean getting fat so I need my beauty sleep...
12. the process of bringing them into the world is just horrifying. The mother experiences pain beyond imagination while the father watching this disgusting blood-show and can never look at his wife the same way again. Then they get a giant bill from the hospital.
I could go on, but I feel woozy and am reminded of the time my roommate and I watched a birthing video and I threw up...
I have once again convinced myself as to why I am terrified of children. Someone give my more PROS!!!
